Many people are out there attempting to date people and get into a relationship and they are creating problems for themselves and they don't even know why. Here are seven tips to help make dating easier

Reason #1 – They don't know their own value

Many people are out there talking to people, trying to get a date, to get in a relationship and they are selling themselves short. This is one of the main reasons that online dating is such a frustration to people.

If you are going for a job, you have skills, abilities, qualifications and talents that make you an employee that an employer would be looking for and would therefore employ you. If you don't sell yourself and the value you would bring to the position, you don't get the job. It's as simple as that. When it comes to online dating, there are people who want a high value employee but they are poor employers, and rather than raise their value, they hope that a high quality employee will work for them. Not so.

So it is with dating. If you want to be employed by a quality employer (potential partner), you need to become aware of your value; the skills, abilities, talents and value you bring to a relationship that makes you a partner worth having. The more you discover these things, the higher your value, the higher the value of the partner you will attract and the better quality of relationship you will have.

The major side benefit of this, is that you realise what it is that makes you amazing and therefore you begin to honestly love yourself. Once you love yourself, you are able to love others more, which sets up a cycle of love. We are incapable of loving someone more than ourselves. If we 'love' someone more than ourselves, it is either infatuation where we put them on a pedestal or we grind our self-worth down which is damaging in the long term.

One major problem with this though, is that a lot of people have no idea how to find their value, or even if they have good value to ensure that they have a good chance of attracting their ideal partner. This leaves them at an impasse with how to start becoming able to date and get into the relationship that they truly desire and deserve.

Your value is made up of things that are visible as they are your actions and behaviours, and things that are invisible like your values, beliefs and opinions. Discovering these using a series of processes allows you to uncover them so you are aware of what you offer a potential partner.

Reason #2 – They don't understand the psychology of approaching

Approaching a potential partner is a seemingly simple proposition, you walk up to someone and start talking to them. On the surface, this would appear to be the case. Unfortunately, there is a fair degree of unconscious communication taking place which can affect greatly the outcome of an interaction that only takes between one and two minutes. There are five aspects to approaching someone are;

1. Security projection

2. The three presentation parts

3. The automatic response

4. Unconscious communication

5. Building early rapport

Understanding how these aspects impact on the window of one to two minutes when approaching someone goes a long way to getting your foot in the door so you can continue talking.

Now, just to explain why there is such a small window with a large range. Women have a window of one minute when it comes to approaching men but men have a window of two minutes in which to get their foot in the door, which means taking longer to prove that they can continue.

It is like being in a job interview where you have to work hard to prove that you are suited to the job. Ironically, it is traditionally the man who approaches, however he has to work harder and generally risks being rejected, judged or ridiculed.

This is where it leads into the third reason that many men struggle when it comes to dating and especially trying to get into relationships.

Reason #3 – They keep getting stuck in the “friend zone”

The “friend-zone” is an area that many men have fallen into many times and it is not a fun place to be at all. Most women have never felt the sting of rejection after spending hours talking to someone and trying to prove your value only to be snubbed at the last minute.

The major struggle against the “friend-zone” is that each new rejection compounds the pain until you reach a point where you don't even want to try again just in case you get hurt again. The potential pain eventually completely overrides any potential success that may be present. If you understand the five points that allow you to avoid the “friend-zone”, your success rate leaps up accordingly. The less you get friend-zoned, the more your confidence goes up and the less you get friend-zoned. You end up in a success spiral that goes up instead of down. The five points are;

1. Strengthening rapport

2. Moving beyond the 'social zone'

3. Beyond the 'friends' conversation

4. Emotional dynamics

5. Human interaction standards

The main tragedy is that a lot of men and some women that get friend-zoned too many times end up discouraged and disheartened and give up on trying to find a partner. This is something that is difficult for a lot of people to get past and they can question what is wrong with them and talk themselves out of ever trying again.

Women sometimes have these struggles, however it is mainly a male challenge. The “friend-zone” is something that is present in a lot of interactions and unfortunately, due to a lack of awareness, causes many relationships to never be realised. The sad tragedy is that some of these may have been genuine, loving relationships. However, we will never know.

Reason #4 – They can't differentiate themselves from the crowd

We all have one head, two arms and two legs (the majority of people have four limbs), and if you take our labels from us, there is not much left. Because of this, we need to really have something that sets us apart from every other person when it comes to human interaction.

If you are going shopping and looking for a new doodad and of all the doodads that are in the shops, they are basically the same, you are in a quandary. If they all have the same features, a very similar price and similar quality, there is nothing to get excited about. When we get a new doodad, we want to be excited about it and know that we will always be glad we bought that particular doodad.

It's the same with dating and relationships, if you have nothing to separate you from all the others out there, you are stuck. You can know what makes you desirable as a partner, but if you don't know how to package it or present, you have lost the sale. This isn't about external appearances but knowing those intrinsic things that make you a valuable partner and then how to show them off to their shiny best advantage. This then ensures that you have the best chance possible to attract your dream partner and get into your dream relationship.

Being able to package and sell yourself dramatically increases your chances of success when it comes to finding a partner. When they are presented with yourself, they can easily see what it is about you that makes you someone who is worth hanging onto and start the game of dating readily with you. As you only have a small window of time in which to present yourself, you really need to know what it is that separates you from everyone else out there.

If you have ever done sales, you will know what I mean about only having a small window in which to get your elevator pitch across.

Reason #5 – They don't know who they should have as a partner

It has been said that women would like a man who is “tall, dark and handsome.” This may be true, but the pool of men who fit this description is small. In fact, most people have very little idea what it is they want in a partner.

There was a movie way back in 1985 called “Weird science” which involved two teenage boys who used a computer to design their dream woman. There was a freak electrical storm which suddenly made her real. The boys created how they wanted her to look, which a lot of people would be able to do about their ideal partner. Other than that, most people would struggle to say what other attributes their ideal partner would need to have.

Understanding how to build your ideal partner from the ground up so they are a 'fit' for you then allows the relationship to be a natural occurrence. It is natural because the fit is calculated, much the same as when making anything that has to slot together. Think putting together IKEA furniture. If it is made well and assembled well, it looks fantastic. If any of the holes are out, the parts don't assemble well and it looks 'off.'

Working through the journey of who your partner is starts with knowing who you are first. It is two parts of the same puzzle, much the same as those mizpah coin lockets that teenagers give each other. The better the fit is designed, the easier it is to not only find your ideal partner but have a smoother relationship because it has been designed beforehand with all aspects present.

Reason #6 – They use dating only as a social interaction tool

When people are out dating, they tend to use the “playing darts in the dark” method. They are out talking to people, making it up as they go along and hoping that they get somewhere. Yes, it's wonderful to have a great conversation with someone, however, if you are trying to find a partner, it is not a good use of your time.

If you are actively seeking a partner, you need to be using your time as effectively as possible. If you want to socialise, feel free. Just set aside specific time to socialise and specific time to be seeking your partner. Time is one of those things we do not get back, so it is pointless wasting it when you should be using it efficiently to allow more time for the things that are important to you.

Understanding the difference between social interaction and active dating is a way of maximising your social time, which then allows you more free time to focus on other things that are important to you, like a quality relationship.

Reason #7 – They forget that the whole purpose of dating is to create the foundation of a relationship

Dating is a very important part of relationships and studies have shown the impact that choosing the right partner at the date stage has on a relationship. If time is taken to plan out the relationship, it has a far greater chance of success.

Any job has a far greater chance of success if time is taken at the start to plan it out before anything is actually done. Think of painting a wall. You take the time to fill all the holes in the wall, you sand them down smooth once you have filled them. You then prepare the surface so that the paint has a surface to which it can bond effectively to prevent peeling. You need to protect anything you don't want to get paint on. You need to mask off edges where you want it to be straight and paint to be kept off. You need to make sure you have all the equipment so that once you start painting, you can keep going until the job is completed. You need to make sure you have calculated out the amount of paint you require for the surface you are painting. You also need to make sure that it is the right paint for not only the surface but the activity going on around it to ensure that the paint job has longevity.

A relationship is very much the same. A quality relationship is designed before it is actually created. Everything needs to be prepared so that the finish will last and be high quality for some time with a small amount of maintenance now and then instead of a major repaint.

Preparation is key in so many things in our lives and it is a shame that we generally only focus on things like our careers and our holidays and weekends to plan anything. Putting that same effort into planning our dating and relationships as well as other things would have a massive impact on our lives.